My Superhero backstory

This is going to be a word dump. I’ve tried for a whole year to write it in a way to make it look nice and easy to read. But then I never would work or write it out. Maybe in ten years I’ll revisit this and write a better version. But I just want it out now.

It all started in 2016. You could get technical and say it started way before that. But this is where the most important shift happened. The San Andreas rift appearing after all that built up tension.

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Frustrated and stumped Mom

Often times when I am feeling low and down I don’t feel like there is anyone I can talk to.

My husband has heard it all, I’m not going to dump on him one more hundredth time about something he can’t really do anything about.

My sister is already helping me out and she has her own list of things she needs to get to.

The one friend I am close enough to feel safe just throws out “sleep when baby sleeps” and “use the hands around you” so much that it is infuriating. She is a mom of two so it’s not like she hasn’t had her share of baby raising but she probably is too stressed with her life to hear me once again.

And I don’t want to rant to some random stranger. That just sounds too personal to do.

So I feel stuck with no one but myself and phone to talk to about my frustrations. Guess I just have to wait a few more years to not have the need.

Speed bumps

So the beginning of this week we had baby’s 4th month check-up and shots. I was not looking forward to the shots, the last ones were so full of feels from her.

She took these ones pretty well. Crying of course but not for as long and her fussiness didn’t redline. I also had her in the wrap when she got the shots so she didn’t have to be jostled around too much afterwards.

But it seems like she hasn’t gained enough weight according to her last checkups. I thought she was feeding fine because whole she would feed for short times she would do it every hour. But nope. ๐Ÿ˜• Cue me worrying and feeling like a horrible mom starving her kid.

The pediatrician advised pumping and when I got home I read up on several articles and mom forums while also reaching out on my own mom group forum. From this I got that;

  • I have to pump – even though it feels impossible to find time between feeding her, myself, going bathroom and is it 5pm already?!
  • Eating more/enough – this one I know I fell off of. For one, I’m so use to bare minimum it’s hard to eat before I feel ravenous. And two, I did not grasp just how much I needed for energy to make baby her food.
  • Drink more! Shouldn’t be hard but it sorta is. Again with the forgetting stuff.
  • Work on relaxing – especially during pumping and breastfeeding. While I use my phone to time or note times and baby things, I am now trying to put it away because I notice I don’t relax completely. This ties into the second point of;
  • Stress less. I am certain every one has dealt with this at one time or more. And it is always easier said than done. ๐Ÿ˜
  • Getting baby girl to drink longer per session. This can be a hard one. Often times I have to get her attention back after a minute of feeding – even in the least interesting room. I’m aiming for the 10 minutes on each breast but not there yet.

So that is my new “to do” list. It feels a little overwhelming, especially when I feel like I don’t have much time to begin with. But I have to try. I want baby girl to gain the weight she needs to grow! She has stopped feeding every hour, instead going to 1 1/2 hour to even 2. She seems calmer too which makes me feel bad again for not getting it.

Guess this is the thing about the first kid? You are always learning things… Once things get a little better I’ll probably not be so down. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Success?

I’m almost afraid to be cautiously optimistic here. I decided to try the Solly Wrap again yesterday.

She didn’t cry when I put her in!

I went shopping, going for the slightly farther grocery store.

She didn’t cry in the car seat the whole way!

Okay so she cried on the way back at the light right before home but that really is a whole improvement from before and much easier on my nerves. ๐Ÿ˜ I’m less sure of that being a constant.

Today I decided not to wait until I fussed with my hair and used the wrap again. Went for a walk in the pleasant day. No crying and she fell asleep by the time we were done.

Going for a walk with our cute summer hat.

So we will see what the next week will bring… We have another growth spurt coming up, I’m hoping by then she’ll be use to the wrap (and I’ve gotten better at putting it on) because last spurt she did not want to be put down. ๐Ÿ˜Œ

Smokin’ hot! ๐Ÿš’

I mean the day. Heck, the entire week. I think this is the second week too of all this smoke in the air. First time really that I’ve had to deal with so much smoke and I’m from California, ironically.

The thing is, if it was just me I could deal with closing up the windows and such, but I’m doing my best that little baby stays comfortable and away from breathing the smoke. Which means closing up the windows. So far we have been doing good and hopefully we’ll be getting relief tomorrow. As soon as that air quality goes back to semi normal I am airing out this apartment all day long!

Because of the heat I haven’t been using my newly purchased Solly Wrap, lol. Maybe when the smoke goes away things won’t be so hot. Baby does like it cooler than me so we kinda have to wait for that if we want the wrap to be a good experience.

For a positive result, baby has started to be able to support her head really well so I can lift her up into the air. I use it as a form or exercise and feel like I got something done, heh.

Motherhood vent

I needed a place to vent, a place to talk. Even if it is open air. As far as I know, none of my estranged family knows about this blog site.


If you are said “family” member, I have this to say: me venting is no where near saying you were right. You no longer have that right after you locked me out of the house I lived in for five years and demanded I call and ask if I wanted to come over (and what would prevent you from never picking the phone up?). In the middle of winter. Me venting does not mean I have ever changed my mind about that being the best decision ever in my life. It still is.


Back to life. And venting.

“Go for a walk!” All the blogs say. “You’ll feel more energy afterwards.”

Umm. No. At least not for me. You know what I feel like? More exhausted. And frustrated at being out of shape with no time to get into shape. And discouraged that there is nothing I can do about it.

Besides, if walking was going to help me, then the 20 minutes of walking every other hour at night would have helped right?

Oh it’s about getting out of the house? Lovely idea. Except that still leaves me exhausted when I come back to the house. So I really don’t get this whole “go for a walk, exercise! You’ll get more energy!” deal. Not when it feels like I’m exercising 24/7 with my baby.

Speaking of baby. I have barely been able to do anything with the house, my hobbies or whatever for 3 months. After the healing process (and didn’t that feel like forever) and a handful of nights in her bassinet, baby needs near constant contact. Even when she is asleep. So you would think; sleep when baby sleeps. Or, if you have the energy, clean when baby sleeps.

Yah, not working. Sometimes I can sleep when baby sleeps, but more often than not if I try to find a position comfortable enough to fall asleep in, she’ll wake up soon. And I can’t get any chores done when I have to hold her to keep her asleep. Put her down and I guarantee she will wake up in the next 20 minutes – perhaps even fussier than before so I need another hour to settle her down. Which by that time she’ll get hungry, need a diaper change and a reswaddle so more like 2-3 hours. No chance to pump milk for a bottle, barely any chance to use the bathroom – heck, I think I manage a shower once a week now a days? And that can be pushing it. I barely can do any media. Sometimes I can get on Netflix but I have to be careful not to wake her up and when I’m watching I’m not always alert to her “I’m waking up by still want to sleep” movements. And seriously, half the time I try and use my phone to stave off hours long boredom she knows when my attention shifts off of her and zooms in on that cool educational article I’ve been trying to read for the past week.

So basically I’ve been holding baby for 3 months, with the help of my sister so I can squeeze in some times to eat, pee and some sleep. Husband helps out too where he can. But the combined physical effort and the mental boredom on top of crying baby still seems hard to keep up with even with help.

I don’t think it’s because I’m a whimp, though the thought is never far. I know I’m not in shape but it has been hard to squeeze in even 8 minutes on top of every other bare necessity.

Still, I am never letting this girl cry it out and feel abandoned. She will be held if that is what she emotionally needs to be stable for now. She will get fed when she is hungry no matter how tired I am. And her slowly emerging smiles and laughs are something to look forward to.

Just looking forward to a less fussy stage of life, even for a month, as well. ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Tractor, Flooding and colds

Oh dear, look at the time! Well, even if I haven’t been busy in the digital realm, things are spinning in the area around me. Texas still can’t seem to make up his mind on his temperature and humidity and I’m wondering if I’ll ever get use to it. It seems to change on a week to week basis, not the month by month that I’m use to from North California. I have gotten a little better at recognizing storm weather patterns which gives me some comfort.

I normally don’t post too much of my Real Life online, especially when there’s no reason to explain my absence. But there were some fun parts, and some things to share like lavender oil on sunburns (it works!). I won’t be going into too much detail anyway, so if you’re interested in my ramblings, enjoy!

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Negative talk (and how I had it without realizing)

If you read any type of training manual, exercise book, inevitably in the first five chapters there will be one on mental Negative Talk – and how not to do it.

I’d flip through the chapter briefly, nod my head and go on with the rest. It wasn’t that I didn’t think fighting against negative talk was incorrect. I knew that in survival will power is the largest percentage. But I just never thought it would be that relevant to me. After all, when was I going to become an athlete long enough to worry about negative talk? I was trying to finally get one or two moves into my daily routine.

Well, funny thing that I found out about negative talk is that it is quite clever about hiding right there in the open. Kind of like sin come to think of it…

Because thinking that I’ll never do anything that will need me to work on negative talk is a kind of negative talk in itself, isn’t it? Once Negative Talk has become ingrained it can be quite difficult to recognize it for what it was. After the many years of “not needing it”, just last month was when I really got a good look at negative talk. It was when I was browsing and stumbled onto an activity I would love to do and it would work well towards my goals.

And yet what was my first reaction to it?

“Aw, I’ll never be doing this.”

Thankfully I had just read through a book on Running which, unsurprising, had the chapter on Negative Talk. So once the thought went through my head, for once I stopped and asked myself: “What did I just say?”

It made me stop and really think. Was the activity, traveling to different states or training to run 3 miles, an evil? No, there was nothing wrong with traveling in itself, nothing is wrong about traveling to different states and enjoying the beauty of a world made by the Lord. And getting fit enough to run 3 miles isn’t selfish.

Was doing either of these sinful? No, if I went traveling I would make sure I wasn’t leaving my family to fend for themselves. No, I wouldn’t be leaving my family to fend for themselves. In fact, I would like to learn a few things before traveling and learning good things was never wrong.

So what if I need to learn some skills and learn how to be prepared with the proper materials, and all that involves practical things like time and money. But it struck me that I was right away disarming myself, in a way, from even attempting it by bringing these things up as obstacles and not challenges.

This here was Negative Talk.

After picking my jaw off the floor (after all, I had believed that while fighting against Negative Talk was a good thing, that I would never really need it) it made me mentally straighten up and take notice.

It also made me decide that if I again have this “can’t do it” reaction I need to challenge myself with the question “why not?”

With the question “why not” I can mentally pick apart the idea and what really is stopping me. It helps to bring up other questions like, do I really want to do this or am I being impulsive? If I’m not, with the question “why” I can try and figure out what exactly is stopping me and a direction to take to overcome them.

Of course, recognizing Negative Talk doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to defeat or wrestle with any of the fears. Like, if I don’t try I’ll never know if I could actually do it.

But then what if I do try and fail, won’t I just be proving myself right that I couldn’t do it in the first place?

Its a whole learning process. And I’m pretty sure there’s lessons in all this for my Christian walk as well.

Aside

Computer Woes (or, why I haven’t posted)

I hope it has only been a week… I am dreadfully bad at keeping track of the days when things pile up on my plate.

*checks last posted article* Oookay, so I’ve been out for more than a week. See, the computer I use the most for my blogging work, my laptop that I can take anywhere with me, decided that it didn’t want to hibernate properly anymore. I would close the laptop lid in the middle of working on something, only to come back to it rebooting with the message “Windows did not shut down properly”. Er, I wasn’t trying to shut down Windows. Unfortunately, I would get the message after trying to “properly” shut down Windows as well. Eeek!

So unless I was doing the work online where it would automatically save, anything I was doing I couldn’t stop for a break and let my computer go to sleep without fear of that said work getting eaten. I know some things about computer software and such, but really just enough to get me into trouble. So I spent some time researching online and decided my best bet was to refresh the Windows 8 files on my laptop. I backed up everything that was important – except the bookmarks! Those somehow slipped the net – and refreshed the files.

Computer started up just fine. So I redownloaded my internet browsers and my favorite programs. I would shut down and restart the laptop every time I installed to check if any of the programs were giving the computer trouble. Everything was fine, though now I realized I didn’t try to hibernate the laptop…

Well, for a few days the error message went away and I did’t have any troubles, but in the middle of last week it came back!! I checked the system as much as I knew how but couldn’t find anything out. Being the silly me, I figured I didn’t have anything to lose and did another system refresh. This time though I took the time to go and disable the hibernate mode/file. So I still won’t be able to pause in the middle of a project, but so far the “Windows did not shutdown properly” message has not come back yet. Yes, take that Microsoft code!

As long as I don’t have any more trouble I hope to go back to my weekly variety posts.

Captain America: Winter Soldier

Captain_America_The_Winter_Soldier
Image copyright of the original creators and only used for the purposeย of commentary and not infringement or for monetary gain.

Before I get started… if you haven’t seen this movie, go see it! ๐Ÿ™‚

With that out of the way… I got to see Captain America The Winter Soldier on opening day! It was an early Friday morning so I got to the theater before any of the off work rush happened. But the downside was that there were only two or three other people in the theater with me so I didn’t really get to experience the “theater crowd” much. When I went to see the Avengers it was crowded the three times I went to see it and I found myself really enjoying listening to everyone’s reactions to the movie. This was surprising for me because I usually don’t like big crowds. But theater crowds seem to be alright.

So, no theater crowds.ย But lets get past that and into the details of my first sentence. Why go watch it?

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